OLD NEWS (Last archived 10/16/05) For more current news, click "[ Old News ]" on the HOME page. August 15, 2005: SOMERS FICTION LIKE MOLD. Yea, verily: The awesome magazine Brutarian has purchased my short story The Amazing Martin Landawer for an upcoming issue, and asked me to write a column for them on a quarterly basis. Well, at least I've received two emails from the publisher, Dom, stating these things. Whether they turn out to be actual events or figments of my rich imagination remains to be seen. I mean, I once spent six months convinced that Hugh Hefner had sent me an email naming me as his sole beneficiary in the event of his death, but apparently that was a hallucination. Still, go buy some issues of BRUTARIAN, and let them know you are doing so because SOMERS COMMANDS YOU! August 2, 2005: HONORABLE MENTION IN The Year's Best Fantasy & Horror 18: Ayuh, my story The Defragmentation of Thomas Crane from The Urban Bizarre, edited by Nick Mamatas, was included as an Honorable Mention in the latest edition of The Year's Best Fantasy & Horror. This is because I rock like few have rocked before, although apparently not well enough to actually be considered one of the best. But it's still cause for a drink! So please, for god's sake, someone buy me a drink. Check it. May 15, 2005: SOMERS FICTION LIKE MOLD: Ayuh, the fine, fine folks at From the Asylum have bought another story by Your Humble Editor. Self-Inflicted, Glorified will probably appear on their site in November. Mark your calendars. You bastards. May 3, 2005: BUY SOME BOOKS. The two anthologies containing tasty morsels of Somers fiction, Bare Bone #7 and Danger City, are now available for purchase by the teeming masses: April 7, 2005: SOMERS FICTION: LIKE MOLD. Yup, the fine folks at From the Asylum have published my story Watch the World Die and actually paid me American Cash Money for it. Go there and buy lots of things and make sure they know you did so because I commanded you to. March 29, 2005: IN THE CURRENT AGAIN. The local free paper, The Current has once again published a brief humorous essay of mine. Read it and write them to tell them how much you love me. Or hate me. It really doesn't matter. JANUARY 20, 2005: VOLUME 10 AVAILABLE AS PERFECTBOUND EDITION. Sort of like those leatherbound copies of 'classic' literature that you can buy for your personal library, except that there's no leather or literature involved, the entire volume 10 of The Inner Swine! Just $16 at our friends Cafepress. Buy several, or I will be forced to eat my cat to survive. JANUARY 14, 2005: MORE MEANINGLESS LOCAL FAME: We keep on writing witty little columns in our local alt weekly, The Hudson Current, and I've got a new one this week: The Five People You Meet in the Laundromat. Check it! JANUARY 3, 2005: SOMERS FICTION LIKE MOLD: Yea, verily, Your Humble Editor has somehow convinced yet another sucker publisher to pay him for his golden words! Look for my short story "Watch the World Die" in the April 2005 issue of From the Asylum. I've already spent the money they're paying me on booze, so don't feel like this excuses you from sending me money, you cheap bastards. OCTOBER 25, 2004: SOMERS FICTION--WAIT FOR IT--LIKE MOLD: Yea, verily, I have sold another short story, this time to the anthology Danger City, set to be published by Contemporary Press in Spring 2005. How much fiction can I spread over the world like a sickness? I still have some good years left, so let's find out, want to? OCTOBER 11, 2004: THE RETURN OF MR. LABARE: Episode Three of Swines in Crapistan has arrived! You're not doing anything so damned important you can't take a moment and read about the adventures of a Swine in a faraway, former Soviet country, are you, Mr. Fancypants? Go read it. If you can, indeed, read. SEPTEMBER 17, 2004: HOLY CRAP, THAT WAS FAST: Friends, looks like Another Chapter, erstwhile online publisher of The Electric Church, has shit the bed and shut down. Actually, no "looks like" about it; I got an email last night announcing they'd shut down. It doesn't surprise me, to be honest. I thought they'd last longer than this, but I was pretty sure they'd fold within the year. No one wants to read stuff online, least of all serialized novels. A short essay on a web site? Sure. A 70,000 word book delivered in 2000 word chunks every week? Nah. And certainly not for $5 a month. Oh well. I chalk the whole thing up to a good experience. I finished a project that otherwise would have languished without the inspiration of paid publication--a book I'm actually kind of proud of, I got paid a little money for it, it got a great edit, and I had some fun. It's disappointing, but so's life in general. If you purchased a subscription to the book, you'll get whatever chapters they still have in the pipeline at no extra cost. If you want to finish the story, send me an email and I'll be happy to send you the rest of the chapters. In the mean time, I'm going to see if anyone else in this cruel world is foolish enough to pay me for this book. Why not? Stranger things have happened. AUGUST 15, 2004: SOMERS FICTION LIKE MOLD: Kevin Donihe has accepted my short story "The Script" for publication in issue #7 of his famed anthology BARE BONE, scheduled to appear in Spring 2005. Start saving those pennies so you can buy an issue! AUGUST 10, 2004: SAMPLES FROM THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE. Ayuh, it keeps on truckin', The Inner Swine does. After several months of indolence, boozing, and regret, I cobbled together another issue using old writing from my high-school notebooks (filled with poetry about death and exaggeratedly obscene doodles), advertising copy from pharmaceutical companies (explaining the frequent appearance of the phrase "may cause massive anal bleeding"), and, of course, my rich imagination. Although mostly what I imagine is free liquor being poured directly into my mouth by Oompah-Loompahs, who sing a little song as they pour: Oompah-Loompah-Loompadidoo I've got another puzzle for you What do you get when a boy is a DRUNK? A bad, bad Zine: Stink stank STUNK! I have this vision often; if you ever come across me smiling dreamily and humming along to music only I can hear, it's probably this vision. Ahem. Check out the usual free samples of THE NEW HOTNESS! JULY 12, 2004: Last night's reading at Bluestockings in support of the Zine Yearbook was a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed the dulcet tones of my own voice, but also the guys from Go Metric! who actually took an interview and read it aloud in a very entertaining way, and the Flaming Hot Cheetohs piece from With Fire in Our Throats. If you were there, rock on. If not, not. Now go buy a copy of the Zine Yearbook, damn your eyes. JULY 2, 2004: NEW WEB COLUMNIST: Taking a breather from our endless parade of hilarity here at TIS, we have a new column for y'all that actually has some merit to it: SWINES IN CRAPISTAN, written by our anonymous-for-now correspondent from somewhere within the former Soviet Union. Garo T. Labare is his, um, name, and he'll be sending us irregular updates on his adventures in a land we'll just call Crapistan. Why the secrecy? That's for us to know and you to wonder about: June 28, 2004: JEFF IN THE NEW YORK TIMES. No, really. I contributed about 100 words to a fun article about summer beach reading on the New Jersey Shore. I wasn't warned when it came out, so I couldn't fill the world with my promotional bleatings this time, sadly. But if you missed it I have some scans up here. ALSO,THE ELECTRIC CHURCH AVAILABLE FOR SUBSCRIPTION: Somers Fiction, like mold, bubba. My serialized novella The Electric Church is now available at www.anotherchapter.com. $5 per month, baby, for some crispy fresh writings. Check out the web site for more info, and buy a subscription, for god's sake. I need monies. June 25, 2004: SOMERS FICTION, LIKE MOLD: The Underground literary Allliance, those fun-loving literary activists, have posted a short story of mine, But I'm Good with Faces, on their web site. No, I haven't joined the ULA and have no plans to. Surf on over and read the story, which appears nowhere else in print, and which is totally free. June 16, 2004: SOMERS FICTION, LIKE MOLD: Yea, verily. My short story "And I Don't Know The People Who Will Feed Me" has been published in Twenty -Four Hours. The link to "buy" is not functioning, so you'd do best to just send Josh $3 at 3456 North Hills Dr., Austin, TX 78731. Rock on. ALSO, the reading last night at Barbes was a smashing success! A big crowd, lots of drinks, and I didn't completely spaz out on stage. There's a quick write-up on it with some pictures. Thanks to everyone who came out! May 5, 2004: ACCAVALLO COMES THROUGH: Some 3 years after I initially suggested to our beloved Karen Accavallo that she write a web-column for us, she has finally come through with said column. I fully expect Karenmania to erupt now that she has arrived, Beatle-like, on our virtual shores. To this end I've had 10,000 T-shirts made up bearing Karen's likeness. Go forth and read CONFESSIONS OF A LARGE-BREASTED WOMAN #1, and someday you'll be able to answer the question where were you when Karen finally came through? April 15, 2004: BARE BONE #5 PUBLISHED: Yup, Somers fiction like MOLD. Bare Bone, the famed horror anthology editd by Kevin L. Donihe, has been published by Raw Dog Screaming Press, and you can purchase it (at Amazon, for one, but check the publisher's web page for a full list of retail possibilities) for $9.95. It contains the literary gem The Unappeasable Host by Your Humble Editor, as well as short stories and poetry by geniuses such as Michael Hemmingson, Michael A. Arnzen, Gary McMahon, and many others. A bargain. You should buy five, and tell the publisher you did it because your lord and master, Jeff Somers, commanded you to. April 12, 2004: LOT'S OF NEWS: First, you can now purchase PERFECT BOUND COLLECTIONS of TIS issues, through the technological wonder of Cafepress. Go buy 'em, and look for the SPECIAL OFFER on the store's page. Then, SOMERS FICTION, LIKE MOLD: Well, I managed to sell a speculative fiction novella called The Electric Church to serial-fiction website Another Chapter. How did I manage this? Voodoo and bribery, naturally. It doesn't matter. In May or June you'll be able to subscribe to the story for $5 a month or thereabouts, and receive a new chapter every week. Watch this site and anotherchapter.com for more news! 3/23/04: IN THE ZINE YEARBOOK 8: HUZZAH! I totally rock. An article which appeared in volume 9 of The Inner Swine will be included in The Zine Yearbook volume 8, due out in June. This is the third straight year I've been included, and all I can say is, what's wrong with you people? There are so many better zine writers out there. Must be my musky odors and boorish charm. 3/8/04: BARE BONE HAS A COVER: Bare Bone #5, the wonderful horror/weird anthology in which Your Humble Editor has a story, is coming out next month from Raw Dog Screaming Press, and here's the cover. Check out RDSP's web page for more info! 2/20/04: READING ACCOMPLISHED. At The Lucky Cat last night, the authors of the stories published in the new anthology THE URBAN BIZARRE rocked the house with some kick-ass readin'. Your Humble Editor, Ann Sterzinger, Frank Marcopolos, Mike Hemmingson, and Tsaurah Litzky read from the anthology or from other writings to an appreciative crowd, who bought seven copies of the book. I got to meet all these fine people, as well as our wise and benevolent editor, Nick Mamatas, and had a few drinks too in a fantastic bar--if in Brooklyn, kids, check out The Lucky Cat. Now, if you couldn't be there, shame on you--but make it up to me by buying a few copies of TUB. And make sure you include a note with your purchase order telling them that it's because of me, so I'll get more paying gigs to write. Damn your eyes. 3/8/04: BARE BONE #5 GETS A PUBLISHER. Kevin L. Donihe's horror magazine, Bare Bone, will be published by Raw Dog Screaming Press in April. This is a new publisher for BB; previously Kevin self-published. And yes, Virginia, BB#5 will contain a short story by Your Humble Editor--"The Unappeasable Host" will be in there somewhere. Drop Raw Dog Screaming an e-mail and tell them how excited you are that they will be tainted by Somers fiction. 2/7/04: THE PORTLAND REVIEW 51(1) OUT: Yea, verily, another short story by Your Humble Editor has made it into print. Read And All the Days Like It in issue 51(1) of The Portland Review, which just hit my mailbox and therefore must be on sale somewhere. Find out where by going to their web site or contact them at PO Box 347, Portland, OR 97207-0347; 503-725-5860; kpf@pdx.edu. Or, by it online at Powell's Bookstore. If you're in the Portland area, it's apparently on sale at these other stores, too: University Market at Portland State University, Portland State University Bookstore, Annie Bloom's Books, Reading Frenzy, Borders Books (3rd Ave), and Twenty-Third Avenue Books. 1/15/04: FOOLS STILL READING LIFERS: Yea, verily; John O'Brien, author of Frustrated Young Men, has reviewed my novel Lifers, which lurches about like some sort of zombie-book, never actually dying out completely. Read the whole review on his web site, or read the slightly truncated version on my website. That is all. 1/15/04: SOMERS FICTION LIKE A HIDEOUS BLOB MONSTER. Yes! More short fiction from Your Humble Editor spreading through the universe like a Bad Meme. Twenty-Four Hours will publish my story "And I Don't Know the People Who Will Feed Me" in their next issue. Why not buy several issues and succumb to my obvious charm? 12/15/03: ESSAY BY NOTORIOUS KNOW-NOTHING SOMERS ON WEB: The Drexel Online Journal has deigned to publish a humorous piece of my writing called "The Devil's in the Details", about Halloween and the crazy, simple folk who think it ought to be outlawed because of its evil 'pagan' roots. It's fun for the entire family! Read it. Now. Please? 11/30/03: THE URBAN BIZARRE AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER. To be published by Prime Books in October/November 2003, The Urban Bizarre brings together tales of the city from the best new science fiction writers, pornographers, and zinesters -- stories too weird, too dark, and just plain too bizarre to be published elsewhere. Edited by the Bram Stoker Award-nominated author Nick Mamatas, the anthology is 14% Somers fiction, with the balance made up of tales by Mike Hemmingson, Charlie Anders, Ann Sterzinger, KZ Perry, Tsaurah Litzky, Tim Pratt and Heather Shaw, Ian Grey, Frank J. Marcopolos, Doug Texter, Mike Beliofiore, and James Maxey. Go pre-order a copy now! 10/19/03: NEW PLACE TO BUY THE INNER SWINE: We're excited to announce that we've added another fine DIY distro to the TIS family of retailers. Scrollworks Press is now offering TIS to the masses, and if that wasn't reason enough to visit their site (which of course it is), they also offer lots of other zines, all in a fantabulous online catalog with full cover scans. Check 'em out! And buy Swines, damn your eyes. YOU POOR SUCKERS. I'm not entirely embarrassed to offer you My Maze, a text maze for you to pit your feeble intellect against. This is a Windows-only (95/98/ME/2000/XP) program (zipped). SOMERS FICTION, LIKE MOLD REDUX: And damn, I've managed to worm yet another short story into a future publication. My tale The Unappeasable Host has been accepted into Kevin L. Donihe's Bare Bone #5, due out in Spring 2004. Be prepared to buy several copies apiece. SOMERS FICTION--LIKE MOLD: Our old friends at The Portland Review have accepted another short story by Your Humble Editor for publication. Look for And All the Days Like It in the Fall 2003 issue, and buy scads of them. please? THE ZINE YEARBOOK VOL. 7 IS OUT. And I'm in it: Once again, TIS will be represented in The Zine Yearbook! Our little essay To Die. In the Rain: What Kind of Writer are You? from issue 8(3) has been selected to grace volume 7 of zinedom's showcase publication. We rock. Surf on over and preorder your copy of zine greatness today, why not? Somers Fiction, Like Mold: The fine folks at Lullabye Hearse have actually published my short story "Friend of the Devil". Surf on over to check it out and purchase scads of copies, why not? JEOF VITA: The Inner Swine's Staff Artist, who creates all our kick-ass covers, is going to be the model for a character in the comic book Daredevil by Marvel Comics. Coming to comic and book stores in a few months is Daredevil #47 which features Mr. Vita as a character named "Sano". He will be a character in another story arc in a few months but this is his first appearance. Jeof is rightfully both pleased and embarrassed by this. One more place to purchase your Swine Swag, bubba: www.soberbrothers.com has deigned to pick up our little slice of zine happiness. Surf on over to their way-cool zine store and check out the goods. SOMERS FICTION, LIKE MOLD (part two): He can't be stopped! He's UNSTOPPABLE! Your Humble Editor has managed to sell two more stories, believe it or not. Dick for Eternity and The Defragmentation of Thomas Crane will both be appearing in the anthology The Urban Bizarre, to be published this year by Eraserhead Press. And we're getting paid, too. WHOO HOO! SOMERS FICTION, LIKE MOLD. Your Humble Editor here has managed to sell another short story. The Drexel Online Journal has purchased my story No Great Trick (for cash money, even) and it appears right now on their web site (www.drexel.edu/doj/fictions) in all its glory. We're big-assed famous, and don't you forget it, ever. My short story Kiss Them for Me has been published in Bare Bone #3. BIG-ASSED FAMOUS, BABY. Go buy a copy for the ultra-cheap price of $6.95 and tell me how great I am.