Jeff Somers just prior to his arrest.

It's okay, though, you're among friends. You see, I'm an asshole, too. We're all assholes -not just here at TIS, either, but everywhere. Everyone's an asshole --especially us. We believe that human beings are, at their hearts, evil, selfish, self-concerned, and apathetic. People who claim otherwise are just trying to make themselves feel better, and the supposed "good deeds" performed by philanthropists, activists, and Samaritans are simply acts of egotism or craven plays for good press.

We believe this. You don't have to. But it explains an awful lot, don't you think?

The Inner Swine celebrates the pig inside of us, the little crapper that doesn't give a shit, that is selfish, and arrogant, and hopelessly self-obsessed. That's the way we really are, kids, and no amount of altruistic bullshit will change it. The Inner Swine believes that we are all assholes, and that any goodness perceived is PR.

Thus, some terms:

Pig: Contrary to popular belief this does not merely mean a churlish man, this applies to everyone. We are all pigs, and when I use the term I am hugging the world, dammit.

The Infamous Windowless Kitchen: From time to time you'll read reference to the Windowless Kitchen where TIS was born. This was the kitchen of the apartment Ken West, Jeof Vita and myself were living at in 1993, where we met with Rob Gala one day and came up with The Inner Swine. Looking back, I think we were all suffering from carbon dioxide poisoning that day, from lack of ventilation.

Baby Levon: See that little baby all over this rag? The one with the diaper and the balloon? That's Baby Levon, and he is our mascot and symbol, because babies are such perfect little pigs, such sucking little monsters. The universe revolves around them and it never occurs to them to think otherwise. We at The Inner Swine hate the babies.

Your Humble Editor: Me, Jeff Somers, the bitter, bitter man who has made this all possible. That's my buff bod up top.

TISIC: The Inner Swine Inner Circle. The small group of people who contribute to every issue of The Inner Swine, either in spirit or by writing. The main members are: Jeof Vita (Cover Artist, writer, founding member); Ken West (writer, founding member, Security Chief); Rob Gala (writer, founding member, Staff Dissident); Misty S. Quinn, Esq (writer, hot chick); Karen Accavallo (writer, Proofreader Extra ordinaire); [CENSORED BY ORDER OF WIFE] (hot chick, Legal Counsel); Lauren L.J. Strutzel (writer, Overall Official Cool Chick); Cassie [REDACTED] (Publisher).

The Inner Swine Fatwa (ISF): The worst punishment TISIC can hand out against someone. So far only one person has ever had an ISF levied against them: Staff Dissident Rob Gala. It's a long story no one ever wants to hear again.

We believe in the basic evil nature of man, we reject salvation as a concept and assume that not only is there no justice, but that we wouldn't want it if it really existed. And the main point is, we don't think any of this is bad, this is not the failure of man or a terrible state the world has descended into, it is the natural way and we celebrate it. We get naked, build a pagan bonfire, and celebrate the fact that we would all eat our own children if pushed hard enough.

Join us! Throw off the false facade of civilization and admit that you like to sin, that you enjoy sinning, and that you will continue to sin until John Q. Law catches you at it. It is incredibly refreshing and freeing, it allows you to be a bastard without remorse. And, most importantly, it allows you to place yourself at the center of this cartoon universe without guilt, or consequences, unless twelve-step programs can be counted as consequences. Which we don't believe they do.