Some people named Dave and Michelle sent this impenetrable screed: "Dear Mr. Somers,

I have recently read your article and found it to be less then entertaining on more then a few levels. The article entitled " Everybody wants to rule the world except me" I found more then wanting as far as editorial and journalistic achievement. While I support your right to form your own opinions and applaud your ability to do so without outside influences I find that your opinion is skewered in a direction that is unacceptable for publish to wider audiences. I read your article and while I found it quite amusing I found it more disturbing that you took it deadly seriously while I on the other hand found it more enjoyable to see your feelings about your situation. I find the fact that your total lack thereof of your fellow man and woman's intelligence is not so much a reality as an attack on those who are not quote and I do quote from your article "adapter who are more intelligent then fighters". I would enjoy your feelings on how you came to this conclusion in your long and sorted physiological experience and the human condition to which you are greatly privy to seeing and experiencing. I am not attacking your ideas merely asking you how you could be cold and malicious to your fellow humanity. First things first the Sons of Liberty did much more in galvanizing the colonies and the British rule to the attentions of the King as to the dissidence of the population not to the unhappiness of the taxation. They weren't mad at the price raise they were mad that no one cared that they couldn’t feed there families but they had to pay for tea they didn’t want. The revolution was mainly started because of actions of unrest typified in the Boston Tea Party and for the record the Tea act was a instance instituted after the war in a way to keep the flow of tea steady yet with set and reasonable prices but check the date it was after the revolution not before. As far as your ideas not the two types of people go fighters and adapters I find that not so much as adapting but running away is your accepted form of living. I for one would be classified under your assumption as a fighter and for that matter I am proud because instead of taking the world as is and lying down I stand up for my beliefs and enjoy the satisfaction of the final product of a changed world or at least a more aware world. I find your idea of laying back and living the life while others fight your battles is less then acceptable and I find it even more amusing to show that you yourself are a fighter for deeming yourself an adapter for by your own conclusions an adapter adapts not protests against the way things are in there lives. This paper shows without a doubt your feelings of aggression or fighting if you will against a topic or sense of society while I would not believe an adapter would have much to say sense they are adapting to the situation not bringing it to the attentions of others. In regards to your loss of time 2 hours at the end of the years if your to be believed that you my friend are a selfish bastard for your inability to wait even that slightest amount of time for the easiest of troubles. You stated yourself that you did not wish to wait with the monkeys as you said in your own words and I find that to be wholeheartedly disgraceful as a human being. Do you feel you are so much greater then your fellow man that a small and short conversation with your fellow workers is such a waste of your time? Or could it be your lack of acceptance in the society you attack that gives you such anger towards those who don’t have your self appointed intelligence which if I may say so a medal you giver yourself is such a great medal. As a member of this society I find it more and more troubling that people like yourself wish to use and enjoy the system without returning anything to it you sir are a leach on the existence of the very society you yourself say you are a great member of. Your small moments of time given to a fellow commuter might have saved that person a great deal of pain and lineless that you yourself as have I no doubt have felt without the ability for friends or those of the community who care. I say to you sir that I am ashamed to call myself human more and more daily as the ranks of leaches and bottom feeders such as yourself grows more and more larger. I ask you one simple question can you live with yourself knowing you spout your angry nonsense to those who take your words as accepted ideas? can you live your life alone in the world of monkeys as the great white ape of his own self important jungle. I ask you to read the article again and see if your day was not to your liking and you happened to be sad or angry if not then I ask you to re evaluate yourself as a candidate for scientific experimentation.

p.s. This letter has given my girlfriend and I the chance to come together on something for the first time thank you for the memories.

I didn't edit the above, I swear--it is exactly, monolithically, as I received it. I figure if I brought two crazy kids closer together via disgust with me, then I rock.

THEsurfer86@aol.com sent us what may be the most hilarious flame Tim The Angry Clown has ever gotten: "what the hell is ur problem? dude, i think you need to shape up and fast dumbass i mean, what else can you bitch about go bitch about peanut butter sandwiches it would probably do you good but dont go and bitch about singers like that... i mean, thats just WRONG! ur such a dumbass ok, uh huh loser! damn! what good does it do, just complaining about that crap? i mean, "i hate avril lavigne" that explains it pretty good but GOD theres nothing stupider then just going on and on about some crap like that! i mean, geez! you got some sever issues! ur a stupid child. u are SO immature. how do you like me going on and bitchen about you, giddy-ass freak? geez. im amazed. your probably kinda smart, but NOBODY is gonna see that! and why do you even, BOTHER to whatch or hear or speak anything about avril lavigne. ur a loser with no life and no money and you probably slave at one site ranting and raving idioticly about hating someone. ur complete bullshit. thats exactly what you do, and just mouth off to people who like avril. geez bull shit bull shit bull shit bull shit bull hsit bull shit bull shit bull shit. no, ur not funny. ur stupid. theres nothing worth reading anywhere in it. nope, loser. ur gonna get ur ass kicked someday. i dont suppose you know avril lavigne. i dont suppose youve been to one of her concerts. maybe you have, i dont know. im kinda runnin out of crap here. i think ur name says it all. ur a dumb ass. ur mom must be sorry. you must be jealous of avril is that it? ya, ur probably jealous of her wit/success/bueaty/brains/talent. ya. damn, she has great teeth! they might be a little off line, but nobody really gives a damn! loser. and i will say, avril is NOT a pop princess. my problem isnt really that i love her and you hate her. my problem is you dissing ANYBODY like that. and im not saying that i dont like avril lavigne. that would be stupid. im being stupid just by writing ANY crap to you. im bored. havve nothing to do. type like a rocket. thats why i bother. and maybe if she is all crap, well people buy it. and theres nothing you can do about it.and theres nothing you can do about avril lavigne. so bear it. loser"

Tim couldn't stop laughing long enough to respond to this. His column on Avril Lavigne has gotten more response than anything else, but this confused babble of insults was the best, and deserves to be spotlighted. Thanks, thesurfer86@aol.com, for brightening our day!

Some guy named Faber from Canada wrote: "Hey Jeff (I think that's your name . . . :) I got my free copy of The Inner Swine in the mail a few days ago -- no matter how drunk you claim to be when you write it, it's damn inciteful (Faber hides in his basement for fear if TIS henchmen beating him up for making this comment). I absolutely loved it -- and I'm still loving it, and when I get some cash, I'll definetly subscribe! Being a broke fourteen year-old has its ups and downs. Anyway, keep up the, uh. . . I'm not sure wether calling it "good" work would offend you or not. Whatever -- just keep up the work!"

Poor guy. We trid to save him, but henchmen are tough to recall, they're very single-minded. What really burns me is that it's a few more dollars I'll never have. I'll send issues of the zine to the unmarked place in the meadowlands where we buried him, if the budget allows.

Some guy named Dave wrote us: "Just wanted to say that I was feeling pretty uncool before i read your column, but now I see that, like you, i will never ever be cool. Part of you knows it doesn't exist and never did anyway. Have you ever heard of Henry Rollins? Your tone is similar to his. Do you write for a living? Just curious."

The column referred to is "I AM DMX", posted on 12/26/01. Thank god someone's reading those columns. Plus, now I gotta sue Henry Rollins for ripping me off. --Ed.

Alibi.com blessed us with this review: "The Inner Swine has slopped their counterculture swill to the oinking masses since 1995, a pretty long time in zine terms...Somers writes engagingly about sex, eating and exercise in relation to mortality, alternative ways to measure your existence (such as excrement production), and how to go to work without actually wasting precious hours working. He ponders whether a life of purpose is the purpose of life, giving a well-deserved kick in the giblets to the juvenile nature of nihilism, and goes on, ad nauseum, about his benders, hangovers and barfing...Nothing about this zine, including Somers' "Look at me, everybody, I'm a drunk!" routine, is terribly new. The underground rehash is, at least, freshly executed, and I think it's well worth the investment to find your Inner Swine."

Look at me, everybody! I'm a drunk! -- Ed.

A deranged individual alternately calling himself "Mr. Snrub" and "Joey Jo-Jo Jacowitz" sent me two postcards: "I just read TIS 6#4 Y2K. $3.00 and it was an excellent read...Your publication is 2nd only to The Peach Pit section of www.danspalding.com."

Looks like someone is playing DIY Publishing Dating Game. I refuse to be used for your amusement! I am not a monkey in a cage, dancing for coins! Well, in a way I am, I suppose...aw, forget it. -- Ed.

A fine fellow calling himself 'Spud Monkey' sent us this email: "yello im Ed from ireland and i picked up ur zine in tower records the other day, and i gotta say well fuckin done. The zine is really soemthing unique and it srefressing to see the approach u take, sometimes zines can be almost apolgethic abotu poems, prose or fiction but ye dont care its what yer zine is about, and a really excellant one it is too. If ya ever want some prose or poetry from a smelly irishman like meself, i'd only be too happy to oblige. Well done again. Thanx for the good read."

WOW, the email is a great fecund place to gather advertising fodder. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new slogan! "I gotta say: Well Fuckin Done!"  We're happy to hear that our Irish brothers love us, even if they apparently only email us when they're piss drunk. -- Ed.

Yuffies Sub Quest Recordings in Ireland, of all places, found us on the Tower Record shelves: "I got this zine yesterday called "The Inner Swine" which is also recommended, about 60 pages of self centred and arrogant rants, stories, occasional bad poetry and stuff. It's better than I make it sound."

'It's better than I make it sound' - if anything is screaming out to be our new motto, that is, baby! -- Ed

Bunnigrrrl of wishbonezine didn't say much about us, but she did use the Accavallo Rage Factor in a sentence, so she gets mentioned here: "Why, oh why did I decide to drive today? What was I thinking? Traffic was hellish, and I laid down most of the rubber on my tires on the 57 after a guy in front of me stopped suddenly--while talking on the cell phone, of course--and the moron never even heard my screeching tires, didn't even know I almost sent him to Yuppie Heaven. This was, oh, a 6 on the Jeff Somers Rage Factor Scale (better known as the Accavallo Rage Factor, or ARF) [All rage scale and Jeff Somers references are from his zine, Inner Swine, which I just purchased the other day from Tower Records. It's good, why don't you go get it?]"

Why not indeed. Keep my ARF low, dammit  --Ed

Someone named Ricky (apparently) from Self HatrEd zine and hemumbles zine wrote in: "thank you. whenever someone calls my 'zine conceited or "only about you", i  pull out the latest Inner Swine to disapprove their near-lies."

We disapprove of it ourselves, Rick. Our message is getting out there! For real conceit and arrogance, you have to have the Swine! --Ed.

Someone named 'The Grey Future' sez: "Hello Mr. Sommers, I read your zine last night, highly amusing, except for that fact that the word "ennui" showed up on damn near every page.  And your perpensity to refer to your audience lovingly as "bubba" did you pick that up from Hunter S. Thompson or is it orginal?  After reading your zine I find it to be very humorous and somewhat creative.  Unfortunatly this also means I find you very frightening and probably mentally unbalanced.  Ahh the glory of technology, you couldn't send thugs to my house if you wanted to, slappy.  Anyway, I was frightened more than anything else by how much I agreeded with you.  Now I'm sure you must get letters from lost children saying "I'm a zine editor too and I think you're the greatest, uh-huh, uh-huh."  Sounding like Fieval from American Tail on mescaline.  So I won't bore you with that shit.  I have been doing my own zine off and on for a quite a while so I will say I could appreciate the fact that you put the least amount of work into your zine as possible and it still looks like more than overpriced toliet paper.  That being said, well that and everything else that I've rambled on and on about: I shall now finish this message. p.s.  I'm glad I'm not the only man on the planet with a mortal fear of women I've pissed off."

I wonder what it is about my zine that makes people think a delicate balance between insulting me and praising me is appropriate. Oh, who am I kidding. That's the *exact* tone to take and we all know it  --Ed

Our new friend Andy sent us this email: "Subject:you're making me waste my life. dickweed. "hey mr editor. i found TIS lurking on the shelves of Tower Records here in Dublin, ireland, and decided to up my indie-cred by purchasing it. and then I started reading it and I couldn't stop until I got to the end. and then I went back to tower and noticed that there was a lonely looking older issue hiding behind some more worthy publications. and I bought that too, and it had the same effect. please make your zine less entertaining and readable so that I can do something more productive with my time. thanks. andy"

Hearing from someone in Ireland who bought our zine on a newsstand is pretty fucking exciting, although of course we must reject any responsibility for Andy's life, as we're sure that whatever unbalanced, sadly delusional existence Andy is scratching out over there was a preexisting condition, and can only be partially traced to our magazine. Thank you  --Ed

Emerson Dameron sez: "EXCELLENT issue, by the way. (BTW would have been more efficient, but I'm willing to get unnecessarily verbose when it comes to the _Inner Swine_, I dig it so much.) Keep the rubber side down and the shiny side up, as the truckers say....WHY DID YOU WASTE SPACE IN YOUR ZINE ON A GODDAMN NEWSGROUP? History will decide."

...and then checked in the next day...

"Jeff, Sorry for the drunken rant last night, particularly for the INADVERTANT capitalization. You know how it goes. When I 'overimbibe,' I automaticaly think of TIS. You can always monitor the going price on crack by payng attention to bums' sob stories. 'I need EIGHT DOLLARS to sleep at the Salvation Army tonight.' Like I said, I dig TIS. Let me know when you're getting out the matches and gasoline."

I get out the matches and gasoline every night. I pour the gas over me, sobbing, and then I stand there with the match, quivering, cowardly, afraid. Finally I collapse into a broken heap, crying out my pain and frustration. Then, I go out to the dump and shoot some rats until I feel better. -- Ed.

New Number One Fan Greg Trainer sent me an impossibly enthusiastic email: “The new issue is great!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for giving a shout out to me!!!! Keep up the good work!!!! If I ever get a full-time English teaching job, I will make my students read one of your stories and write a response to it. I promise. Furthermore, if you want, I can send you copies of the response papers and you can reprint the best one or ones in The Inner Swine!! It sounds like a good idea! What do you think?”

I think those are some lucky damn kids. -- Ed.

Someone named Khiori added a link to her web page: "The Inner Swine - home to the writing of the one and only Jeff Somers.  Jeff, listen to me, you are FAR too good for the likes of the web!  This is the domain of amateurs and you're making us all look sooooo bad."

Don't I know it. Khiori, who the hell are you? --Ed.

Karlos of Throwrug fame sent us an email with the subject line “God won’t take the time to sort your ashes from mine.” in which he writes: “And what concerns me is this: that there is, at the bottom of certain pages, a little Jeff’s head, and the Jeff’s head has a word ballon in which are the words ‘JEFF SEZ’ followed by what Jeff is saying. But: since the words ‘JEFF SEZ’  are in the word balloon, it would seem that the words ‘JEFF SEZ’ are, in fact, among the words that Jeff says. In other words, the implication is: when Jeff is speaking, in casual conversation or otherwise, whenever Jeff has something to say, he prefaces it with the words ‘JEFF SEZ.’ Actually, upon further consideration, this seems very likely. Perhaps my concern, then, was unwarrented. Thank you for clearing that up. P.S.  Do you know who Sean Whalen is?  He was in ‘Twister’ and ‘The People Under the Stairs.’ That’s who I think you look like.”

JEFF SEZ: Wow someone actually reads the damn zine, or at least the little cartoon blurbs I put over my face. Which means if nothing else you're gazing at my sublime features. I don't know who Sean Whalen is, but I imagine he's a very attractive young man. --Ed.

The Staplegun Press folks have linked to our site, and had this to say about it: "Not only one of the funniest 'zines I've seen, but one of the best looking websites out there, too! Do yourself a huge favor and check this out!!!"

Thanks to Jeof Vita and Ken West, who came up with the original design, HTML, and graphics. Although much modified since our shameful days on AOL, without them there'd be nothing here. --Ed.

Our old pal Dan Sills wrote: "Dear Editor, I recently undertook a survey of the magazines in my master bath. You may be happy to know that there are three issues of The New Republic, one issue of the New York Times Magazine, and FOUR issues of Inner Swine gracing my can. I love that TIS has a small form factor and is made of low-quality, and thus high-friction, pulp paper, as these attributes help keep it from falling of the slick porcelan that is my throne. I also appreciate the lack of advertisement inserts in TIS, since inserts invariably fall out of magazines and land behind the toilet, and I hate reaching down there to pick  them up, especially when they go anywhere near the toilet bowl brush. Keep up the good work!"

We've known Dan for years now. He always pretends to like our little zine, and we always ignore him politely, which means we have what may be the perfect relationship. --Ed.

Vincent Voelz of Breakfast wrote: "Dear 'Mr. Editor': Got yoiur new issue of TIS in the mail -- you're prolific!  HOw do you do it?  I'm jsy getting around to putting out #2 of Breakfast and it's been over 10 months. Anyway -- haven't read the new ish yet (maybe if I ploace it surreptitiously on the water tank of my toilet it will get a good thumbing through) but just wanted to commend you on quantity (not quality).  It takes a bold and undeterred spirit to put out what you do on such a regular basis.  Some would call it stubborn and myopic, but I see it for what is really is: *moxy*."

I had Moxy once. The doctor gave me a cream and it went away. The secret to my volume is take quality control and through it out the window. Then even drunken scribblings on cocktail napkins become usable material  --Ed.

Michael Gagliardi of Nowhere Inparticular wrote: "Dear Sinners, I recently came across your little web page, and was rather 'intrigued' by the subject matter...I am (as always) to be a proud resident of the wonderful state of New Jersey - although I am away at college in D.C.  I have been an avid reader of Fade 2 Black, but I am sad to admit that your page was somewhat more enjoyable - more reactionary, perhaps?  I read the Manifesto - and I hoping that you are honest about it, because although it is rather humorous, I hope that you are not simply attempting to be bitter for the purpose of entertainment alone...I, for example, have been called 'bitter like an eighty year old man, that has had his limbs amputated and fingernails plucked off everytime that they grow in since he was five years old.'  Which I find, as a compliment, since I am only 19 years old - this bitterness that I share with some of my friends from Jersey, though it does not seem to be a 'universal' characteristic among my peers - is it simply a Jersey thing?  'Enriched' tomatoes - or at least that is what I may assume has turned me into the 'fine' young man that I am.  Enriched, you may ask...pesticides used to make Jersey a tough fuckin' state - at least that is what I think.  Enough I guess...I have once again been inspired to start a campaign against my 'illustrious' university - I have found my calling and once again begin my campaign of terror - signs and small newspapers has been my approach so far, but I am always open to new ideas?  A call to arms, brothers.  Georgetown is the root of evil - fake, 'Abercrombie' students and an even faker and more evil Administration (cameras are being placed all around campus...Big Brother or campus safety?) Anyhoe - that is definitely the end..."

It's all a load of BS. I'm actually quite happy and well-adjusted. And I love tomatoes. --Ed.

DB Pedlar of Skunk’s Life wrote: “With all the Swine readers admitting to spending time with your zine while on the toilet, have you ever considered placing the Swine in every proctologist’s office across the country? Maybe lobbying them to name a disease in your honor, something for those who spend way too much time on the toilet. creating a drooping or malformed butt and having it named the Swine Round Ring Syndrome. Maybe even a marketing deal with Fleet Kit to package a copy of the Swine with every kit.”

I would love this, except for the potential for lawsuits. I'm going to be including waivers with every issue next mailing. Anyone who doesn't sign is off my mailing list. I'd like to thank DB for pointing out this incredible potential for litigation. --Ed.

Yobbo52@aol.com wrote: "jeff,  i figured i'd address the letter to you since THE INNER SWINE seems to be all you most of the time. i found a copy of your zine about 3 years ago ago in the stall of my favorite public toilet. having a few minutes to kill i picked up the thing and started leafing through it. within minutes i was laughing. you're one funny s.o.b. a sorry s.o.b., but funnier than shit. it was 2 years later that i found THE INNER SWINE in a tower records sittin on the shelf. since then i've picked up the last 4 issues. you truly are an amazing writer at times, the fiction is great even if the rest of the zine lags at times (which is'nt often). i want to see how the book turns out and hope you don't blow off us bottomfeeders who look forward to your cynical rants in the zine every 3 months. keep being the bastard you truly are and i'll keep eatin it up. thanks for the laughs. thanks for being more pathetic than me. cheers."

I use the royal "we". And the natural place to find any issue of TIS is, of course, the bathroom  --Ed.

Vic Flange of Fleshmouth wrote on his web site: "Inner Swine is a site about a zine about something or another, and unfortunately tries to be a catalogue for various publications, plus a sampler, plus a web site. There is much that suggests this should be good - audio clips about bad writing and slogans such as "everyone is an asshole, especially us", but it tries too fucking hard to stay on the right side of mass appeal. So what does that mean? It means it's wank. Come on, stick your fucking necks out. You have nothing to lose but your fucking heads."

I agree 100%, and love the word "wank". I think our new advertising slogan is going to be "IT MEANS IT'S WANK" --Ed.