In American society, men are given respect based on income, career, and personal accomplishment. They are given this respect despite certain character flaws. A perfect example of the well-respected male is one who has a prestigious job, one which he works hard at. He has a new car, and a top-of-the-line lawn mower he may never use. He is looked up to by his peers and his co-workers, and has good standing in the community.
    Incidentally, this wonderful "power man" is the same man who walks around the house in gamy Fruit of the Looms, brown leather thong slippers, and, as a finishing touch, a sexy, aromatic pair of black socks. Behind closed doors, a man idolized by society can be found belching and farting in his beloved Lazyboy. The top executive who handles the world's problems comes home to a chair he's named, shares anniversaries with, and has known longer than his own wife. Ironically, the ever-capable Wall Street broker cannot do his own laundry. Thanks to his wife, he has never even seen a washing machine or dryer! To end my description, the "power man" frequents the barber about as often as ice ages frequent the earth.
    My point is this: though my scenario may be the worst case (highly, highly doubtful) it goes to show how men can have imperfections but still be admired. men can be disgustingly fat, hygienically primitive, and vulgar without losing an ounce of respect. Men are allowed to be slovenly and unattractive, as long as they are industrious and driven.
    Women, on the other hand, can only get respect by being everything. We must be driven, smart, confident, and able over-achievers. On top of all this, however, we are expected to wash, shave, and wear makeup, heels and hair spray. And god forbid we don't get manicures once a week.
    What disgusts me is that in our society, men's imperfections are more readily overlooked. A woman with such flaws would be stoned to death. many men that run companies have hair growing out of their ears  -how the hell did these people even get hired? Male movie stars who are graying are often called "distinguished". GIVE ME A BREAK.
    Right about now you are expecting to hear "Society will be more equal when men are scrutinized as closely as are women". You are expecting me to scream "Men, clean up your act."
    I've a pleasant surprise. It's time for equal rights. Therefore....I want to be a pig, too, goddammit! Here in my little universe, I subscribe to the belief that "anything a man can do, a woman can get someone else to do for free", and "anything a man can become, a woman can become also" except, perhaps, a welder, which women are too intelligent to aspire to.
    I am here to admit: I am smart, and capable, and I demand to be respected for these qualities. Also, I refuse to be disrespected for being the slovenly pig that I am. I refuse to exercise, diet, and torture myself with heels (the cruelest fashion joke ever perpetrated).
    Truth is, there are disadvantages in trying to be perfect. Firstly, no matter how gorgeous a woman makes herself, and no matter how great her boyfriend is, fast forward ten years and she's married to Fred Sanford. You just can't win. Look at Rachel hunter and, of all people, Rod Stewart. I rest my case. Another disadvantage is that by looking perfect, you start to drown amongst the huddled masses of other perfect women. the outcome is, after all that wasted energy, you're "perfectly average" with all the other beauty queens. Let's all rebel and look like shit. That way, we can all go out and marry the Boogers^ of this world with a type of kind acceptance.
    I am happy to be a slob. I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I like to call it the "natural look". Take cavemen, for example. They were natural. Sure they never showered, or brushed their hair. Sure they smelled really bad. But it was natural.
    Though a female slob has little rank in American society, you must respect me for being the best slob I can be. There is some merit in that. Even a person repulsed should at least admire my conviction. Even a neat freak could consider wading through my dirty clothes an optimum form of exercise.
    I can suck down a beer better than any man, and my burps can fill men with awe. All men become pigs one day anyway, so I want to find one who is gross right now, from the very beginning. I want to cut right to the chase and find a man who knows his inevitable destiny and rises to the occasion. Now that's honesty! I like that in a man  -the ability to never get any worse. Why bother chasing Keanu Reeves? One day it happens to every husband (even Keanu Reeves). Your husband, five years from now, will be there in the kitchen at three A.M., in his underwear, picking a wedgie in front of the refrigerator, drinking O.J. straight from the carton. For men, it's a religious ritual, and it's inevitable. Luckily for me, I've done this ritual many times. I'm proud to say I love it!
    In closing, I, and all other women cannot be expected to be everything. trying to be perfect is just futile, and tiring. I am many things  -a friend, a worker, a student, etc. But I'm a slob, and fuck you if you don't like it. If men don't like me it's because they're looking at themselves five years from now and can't deal with the reality. At least I'm not in denial about it. If you want to respect me for my attributes, well then I respect you in return. But if you think I'm less of a woman for not trying to fit into this perfect, wind-up cupie doll mold, then you serve no purpose for me. At least by being me, I'll be -wow- an individual.
    Excuse me, it's three A.M. and I'm in the mood for some O.J. Then I have to clean the foyer, only because I can't get out the front door. And maybe, just maybe, I'll trim the hair coming out of my ears. A girl's gotta have her standards, ya know.

^ BOOGER: An all too realistic character from that high-quality movie "Revenge of the Nerds". Why is he called Booger? Use your imagination.