AIL, we get mail. Counting subpoenas, mail bombs, and the Adam and Eve catalogue, we get over three pieces of mail a week here at the TIS offices in Hoboken, New Jersey (motto: “Drink all you want, we’ll brew more!”) and let me tell you, we read and respond to every bit of it. Recently, Jim Evans of Grit, Montana wrote us a nice letter that raised an interesting question:
 
 

    Well, Jim, that’s a great question. Who the hell are we, anyway? In every issue of this rag you’ll read references to all sorts of people, and rarely are their roles and backgrounds explained. In an effort to foster a feeling of family between the TIS Inner Circle (TISIC) and its readers, let me present to you a quick overview of the people you’ll find reference to from time to time in this Zine. Of course, it all starts with:

    YOUR EDITOR, JEFF SOMERS. My arrogance is why we’re all here, bubba. If it weren’t for my mad desire to force my ever-deepening sense of disappointment on all of you, none of this would be happening. Several years ago Ken West, Jeof Vita, Rob Gala and myself met in the now-infamous windowless kitchen in New Brunswick, NJ and said those magical words to each other: You know, I’ve never really liked you. I believe that mankind is fundamentally selfish, self-interested, and generally full of shit. And that means all of us. What else can I say? I like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. I’m not into yoga, and I have half a brain.
    Founding Swine JEOF VITA. Aside from being one of the idiots we go drinking with, Mr. Vita usually creates the fantastic covers for our Zine, occasionally writes an article for us, and sometimes bathes, but only after a lot of pressure. An avid fan of comic books, Star Wars, and himself, Jeof’s charm escapes your Editor here, but has rooted itself firmly in others, especially Misty Quinn, who certainly seems to dig his action. Jeof’s art has been published nationally, although his real ambition is to be a Wookie.
    Founding Swine KEN WEST. Aside from being someone else who always ends his evenings carrying me out of some local bar, Ken is often referred to in this Zine as our Security Chief. What this means is that when we have troubles, legal or otherwise, we turn Ken loose on them and they...disappear. We don’t know how, and we don’t want to know. Ken is actually a Capitalist Oppressor in-training during the day and makes delicious chili. During his free time Ken is attempting to wire his appliances directly into his brain.
    Founding Swine ROB GALA. We like to josh about how we drove Rob out of Jersey during our epic struggle for power within The Inner Swine. In truth, no one knows why he fled to Seattle and sends me vaguely threatening notes every now and then. No one. You understand? Out west, Rob struggles to save the world through good old fashioned hippieness, which of course we don’t want any part of.
    [CENSORED BY ORDER OF WIFE]. The most recent person to survive the rigorous TISIC initiation rite, The Duchess is somewhat scarred psychologically by the experience, which might explain her unreasonable devotion to her native Texas’ sports teams. Coming from a long line of rough-and-tumble snake killers, The Duchess, in her role as TIS Legal Counsel, has taught us all to fear her, which is all we respect, really. The Fear.
    MISTY QUINN, Esq. Aside from engaging in disgusting bouts of public affection with Jeof Vita, Misty is an occasional contributor to The Inner Swine. One of our favorite people to drink with, Misty is distinguished as being one of the first in a very long line of women who have refused to sleep with me just on general principle. In her real life she is a Dave Mathews’ fan.
    CASSIE [REDACTED]. At various points in TIS’s grand history, Cassie has held complete control over us, in the sense that she was our boss and could have fired us for any of the following reasons: Our blatant theft of office supplies, our use of office time to write, lay out, and produce The Inner Swine, and all those lies on our resume. She chose instead to encourage our alcohol abuse and changed jobs to avoid the moral quandary. She was lured back into our sphere of influence because she can’t stay away from Jeff’s disco-hot sense of style. She remains our Publisher to this day.
    LAUREN STRUTZEL. Our very own Overall Official Cool Chick has written occasionally for the Swine but more importantly remains an important source of Strutzelosity, of which you cannot have too much. Lauren’s support has been invaluable lo these many years. In her real life, Lauren is frighteningly obsessed with dogs.
    KAREN ACCAVALLO.  Karen is often referred to as ‘one crazy chick’ in these hallowed pages. Why? One reason is the many times she has threatened our lives. Another is my rich paranoid fantasy life. Either way, Karen is an occasional contributor and has been part of The Inner Swine Experience since our first issue back in ‘95, and has valiantly tried to improve our spelling and grammar, all to no avail. Her failure has made her bitter. In her real life, Karen watches JAG.
    BABY LEVON. This is our mascot and trademark. We chose a baby for this because babies are the perfect symbol of the self-obsessed human animal. Baby Levon is your way of knowing that something is Official Inner Swine Product, our seal of quality. Look for it, or suffer the consequences. Consequences fall under Ken West’s field, by the way.
    MY BROTHER.  Sean is my elder brother, who has been trying to kill me since Mom brought me home all those years ago. Every now and then we break Sean out of the hospital, like B.A. Barracus in The A-Team, so he can write an article for us, but mostly he doesn’t do much and we only mention him in ironic and humorous tones. Still, if you see him on the street, please call The Inner Swine emergency number: 1-800-PIGGIES and tell us. There’s money in it for you.
    LEVON SOBIESKI. Levon began his tenure at TIS as a fictional custodian, but quickly ascended to our candidate for President in 2000. After breaking from Jeff Somers’ policies and openly criticizing Inner Swine policy, Levon disappeared and has not been heard from since. All references to him in these collected articles have been sanitized for your safety. Since the picture Levon uses to maintain his privacy is a copyrighted one, we can’t show it here.