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In the words of the mysterious "BC" over at Maximumrocknroll, "This zine has a huge staff considering that [most of the] articles [are] written by the egomaniacal Jeff Somers." While you will see little but my name all over this site, there are other people involved, and here is where you meet them, you lucky bastards. The Inner Swine was inspired by something a man named Rob Gala said to me back in 1993. I don't remember what it was exactly; most probably a variant on "you know, I've never liked any of you". All I know is, a few days later we sat down with the Founding Members of The Inner Swine Inner Circle (TISIC) and came up with the original concept for the organization, summed up by our ubiquitous motto: Everyone's an asshole, especially us. We believe that mankind is fundamentally evil. We believe that any good we happen to do springs from selfish desire. We believe we're all pigs, every last who in Whoville, no matter how pleasant, attractive, or polite they are. Everyone's an asshole. After two years of bloody purges, during which I triumphantly drove away all rivals for ultimate power within the organization, The Inner Swine 1(1) was published in May, 1995. Rob Gala had fled to Seattle in a vain attempt to evade my assassins. The other members of TISIC had hastily signed various agreements relinquishing all powers to me while pledging their services to TIS, Inc. in perpetuity. My power was complete, and The Inner Swine had been born. |
 JEFF SOMERS. I bring the razzle-dazzle to every issue of TIS; my arrogance and need to share my sense of disappointment
is why this zine is here, baby. Chicks dig me, because I'm a renegade loner with my own set of rules. I bring the razzle-dazzle to any endeavor, party, or smear campaign. Without me, The Inner Swine would be just another collection of
badly-spelled bullshit. |
 JEOF VITA. Jeof creates most of the covers for The
Inner Swine and is a nationally published artist with work
appearing in comic books, sports magazines, and other publications,
which is very touching and impressive when you consider his obvious
social challenges and general dislikability. |
 KEN WEST. Ken has amassed his huge
personal fortune through a worldwide campaign of terror that has so
far cost more lives than both world wars combined. He naturally
refuses to give us any money, which we quite rightfully resent. If
you wanna see how Ken made his millions, look here. But whatever you do, don't
get on Ken's bad side, or he'll make you disappear. Trust us. |
 ROB GALA. Rob
inspired The Inner Swine and struggled for ultimate
power within the organization with Jeff Somers for years
afterwards, but was eventually defeated, and fled to Seattle, where
he bides his time, waiting for his chance at revenge, which you can
read about here,
if you care. Recently Rob agreed to start writing for TIS again, so
watch for him. |
 [CENSORED BY ORDER OF WIFE]. My wife, the honorable delegate from the great state of Texas, is our most
recent member of TISIC, bringing with her a fashion sense sorely needed in the grungy office of Your Humble Editor. She can also be counted on to hunt down and kill small rodents when they appear, because she's not soft. |
 MISTY QUINN. Misty has been through hell with us and come through smiling. While she will never explain why she dives to the floor whenever an ambulance goes by or why she gives fake names in her frequent trips to the Emergency Room, she buys us beer sometimes, so that's okay. |
 KAREN ACCAVALLO. While not one of the founders, Karen has been with TIS Inc.
since the first issue of The Inner Swine, serving as our proofreader extraordinaire and occasional writer. With a Rage Factor hovering between 5 and 7 (on a scale of 10) on good days, Karen requires careful handling. More than one body has been buried in Jeff's backyard at midnight due to Karen's hair-trigger temper. Fear her. |
 CASSIE [REDACTED]. Cassie is our boss, and yet continues to fearlessly drink with
us and even tolerate our blatant theft of office supplies whilst publishing The Inner Swine. Cassie is thus our de facto Publisher, and all Swine love her. Above she is shown with her husband, Mike, who denies all knowledge of TIS. |
 LAUREN BOLAND. Lauren tirelessly promotes The Inner Swine to her fellow
'patients' and has been known to scrawl advertisements for the Zine in various public restrooms. Lauren is shown here with husband Bob, who disavows all knowledge of this zine, responding "Inner whatsit now?" whenever I mention it. |
 SEAN SOMERS. My brother is much smarter than me so I
leave all the truly intellectual articles to his able hands. His social skills, on the other hand, are (as is obvious from the photo above) sorely lacking. |
 JEFF'S MOM. The Editor's mother, who undoubtedly wonders where she went
wrong all those years ago. Still, she reads every issue and hasn't stopped having us over for dinner, so she can't be all bad. |