4/23/01

    Where drunken, oafish lugs gather in my name to argue and scream and throw spittle when they speak of me, there am I. For I am Sport.
    When we speak of sports today, we generally accept that there are the "Big Three" sports which are football, basketball and baseball. As one moves throughout the world, that list changes somewhat to include soccer, or hockey, or jai alai. Move a bit more and you see leanings toward dog racing, Nascar, or weightlifting. So which of these activities are actual sports? And which are merely "games" or "skills"?
    According to The American Heritage Dictionary...
 

    Now, according to definition number one, any active pastime or diversion can be called "Sport". So, if you happen to enjoy shooting raisins out of your nose into a paper cup filled with battery acid on a regular basis, then you are apparently engaging in a sport. 
    According to definition number two, all you need to be involved in a sport is physical exercise as governed by a set of rules. Cooking then can be considered a sport. After all, when you cook, you have to do a lot of lifting, exercise dexterity when cutting, follow a set of rules on how to cook correctly and man, do you sweat. Sorry, but these definitions just don't cut it.
    Here is MY definition of sport.
 

    The "Big Three" of football, basketball and baseball are not in question here. Each of these sports relies on one team, directly opposing another team as each strives towards a win. In each case, the opposition's actions contribute directly to whether or not that team succeeds as they struggle to defend against the advancing team's progress. We can also include under this umbrella, soccer and hockey, regardless of how oafish, inane and backward they may seem.
    After that, the line gets a little blurred. The sport status of various activities has been argued since sport began. Time to end all those arguments.

    TENNIS: Tennis is a sport. An individual squares off against another individual wherein their actions can directly affect the performance of the opposition. It takes a superb athlete to play tennis and an even greater to athlete to succeed at it. Granted, it is the sport of choice for sissy boys and rich snobs, but nevertheless, it is a sport. So too then is Ping Pong, as it utilizes essentially the same skills but happens at an even faster rate. Again, even though only the Chinese have seemingly mastered it, it is still a sport.
    NASCAR and HORSERACING: Racing in general is not a sport (and I excelled in Track and Field in school) but neither of these activities should ever even be mistaken as a sport. Period. In Nascar, the car is doing all the work. Granted it takes skill to be able to drive a car at such high speeds and not crash, but at the end of the day, you are still just a bunch of segregationist rednecks looking to capitalize on your backwater mechanic skills. For much the same reason, horseracing relies on the horse to do all the work. It is the strength, speed, stamina and endurance of the HORSE that decides the outcome of the race. The jockey is only called upon to whip the horse and not fall off. That is not a sport. While the jockey must have a command of riding, if that horse goes down or doesn't feel like running, GAME over.
    RACING: As stated above, racing in general is NOT a sport. This includes Track and Field, speed skating, swimming, marathons, dog racing, steeplechase and any other activity whose goal is to cross a finish line first. While these activities rely on great speed, strength and endurance, the only person you are ultimately competing against is yourself. A runner does not face direct opposition when running a race. Yes they face competition, but that competition cannot directly impede that runner's progress. In essence, you are simply trying to run or skate or sled faster than ever before. In essence, you are proving that you have bettered yourself better than your competitors have bettered themselves. Are these runners athletes? No question. Can they beat me in their sleep? Of course. That doesn't make their game a sport. That's what it's called the Olympic Games, not the Olympic Sports.
    GOLF: I love golf. Golf is not a sport. Golf requires skill. Golf is not a sport. Have I said that already? Golf, like racing, asks the participant to be better at driving and putting than he or she has been before. Again, the golfer faces competition but no direct opposition. And please do not tell me that golfer's need stamina and endurance because I'll have to smack you. And as for Casey Martin, the golfer who has lobbied to be able to ride his precious golf cart around instead of walking, due to his degenerative bone disease, I say, let him ride his stupid cart. Have you seen the shape of some golfers? It would do them good to take a walk. If opposing golfers were allowed to somehow block each other's shots or otherwise divert them from their intended course, then maybe it would be a sport. Not likely, but maybe.
    BOXING AND THE NOT FAKE WRESTLING: Both are sports. In fact, at the core, these are the purest forms of sport there is. Two men in prime physical condition struggling against each other until one is victorious and the other is a bloody heap on the canvas, asking for mommy. And if you noticed that I emphasized "men" that's because women's versions of the acknowledged sports, while they are still sports, are played by women. Take that as you will and if you don't like it, fuck you, write your own damned article.
    BOWLING: Please ... 
    HUNTING and FISHING: Hunting is not a sport. In fact, the only way it can be considered a sport is if the hunter puts his high-powered laser sighted rifle down, takes off his kevlar body armor with the infra-red goggles, goes out into the woods with just his bare hands and actually wrestles an animal into submission. I'm betting that even the deer win this one. Like Nascar, just a bunch of wannabe lynchers out stroking their gunshafts. As for fishing, see bowling.

    There's a whole world of activities out there so I can't go through all of them in depth. But in quick summation, the following activities are sports: Jai Alai, Volleyball, Racquetball, Paddleball, Handball, Lacrosse, Water Polo, and a few others. The following activites are NOT sports, no matter how hard you argue the point: Diving, synchronized swimming, luge, bobsledding, figure skating, ice dancing, gymnastics, chess, checkers, and a HOST of others. My definition stands. If you think otherwise, let me know. I'm a good sport.
 

The Armchair QB