MY mandate, straight from the supposed Editor of this website/magazine, is to write about things that suck. I don't write much in real life, but this seemed like fun, at the time. Mr. Somers also told me that I wouldn't be censored or in any way pushed, that I could write whatever I wanted and it would be posted here. To test that, and because I'm feeling bored and irritated today, I thought I'd write about all the things that suck about The Inner Swine. And there are a lot of things to hate about that magazine.

BAD WRITERS. To be honest, and as a disclaimer, I haven't really read too many issues of TIS. I know Jeff Somers socially and that's how this column came to be, and that's actually one of the first things that sucks about his magazine: how often he gets people who obviously don't write to write for him. Sometimes it works out, but often it's just a bad article sitting in the middle of the magazine like a lump of shit. Karen Accavallo writes well, and should do more. Jeof Vita's usually entertaining when he shows up in an issue. I suspect these people write on a more regular basis. Most of the other examples of 'guest' writers haven't been very good.

BAD WRITING. On the subject of writing, someone should get Mr. Somers an editor. Sure, TIS is a vanity project in the sense that Jeff obviously puts it out for his own pleasure and to showcase his own writing. But Christ, sometimes he needs a blue pencil so desperately it's painful. I suppose he might argue that there are plenty of people and places where he is heavily edited, and that's why he just lets it all hang out in the pages of his own magazine. But that doesn't mean I have to like it when I read his bloated, self-indulgent prose.

SELF-REFERENTIALISM AD NAUSEUM. I know the whole point is that Jeff is great, and usually that's amusing, when its done withe the right tone. I admit that often the whole Cult of Jeff thing he's got going on in that magazine gets a chuckle out of me. But sometimes he takes it too far. It's one thing to be in on a joke. It's another when you start suspecting it isn't a joke.

POOR PHOTOCOPYING. Anyone else ever receive a copy of this zine and it looks like a team of baboons had at it before you got it? It's copied crooked, the stapling is off-center, it's folded wrong, the cover rubs off black ink on your hands. Jesus! For a guy who brags about the distros and subscriber list he has, you'd think he'd take some time to make sure it looked good.

STAGNANT WEB SITE. Okay, Jeff's recognized this one and has made a small, paltry effort to rectify it. This web site just sits here for months with tiny, unnoticeable updates. Every three months he throws up badly formatted samples from his new print issue, and then it all just sits here. Why would people bother coming back? Since no one is reading my column anyway, I don't think these web columns are the answer. He needs to update at least weekly, with major updates - new articles, current news. Then again, maybe nothing ever happens to him. That would explain a lot.

I could go on. But really I'm just venting. Plus, I'm testing to see if Jeff edits this in any way. If you agree, send me an email at timtheangryclown@innerswine.com and I'll make sure all comments get to Jeff, although he will probably ignore them. Until next time, remember that everything sucks.