Apr 18 2008
I Was So Much Older Then

PIGS, I have spent the last few weeks laboriously pushing the new issue of this rag out the door. The delay was heroic: The March issue will likely mail on or about April 25th. Now, I know that in the world of zines this kind of delay is no big deal—the entire population of zine publishers has as its motto Someday Soon I Will Wake Before Noon and Publish the New Issue, after all—but for me, it sure is. I mean, this is the first time ever that The Inner Swine has failed to ship at least in its cover month. I think last year the March issue went out on 3/31, but it was still March, brother, and that shit counts. So first time we're ever late, ever, and we're a whole month late.

Damn.

So what's the slowdown? Well, taxes hit, which kept the bank account at low ebb. Plus also too I am a lazy bastard who's a lot of shit to do, yanno? I got books to write that actually earn me some money, I got a day job, I got four fucking cats for god's sake. You, sir, will not judge me.

As a result of this debacle I've been exploring other options aside from the following workflow:

1. Jeff gets guts of issue printed.
2. Jeff gets covers printed.
3. Jeff spends many long hours stapling and folding guts and covers into whole issues.
4. Jeff stuffs envelopes with issues.
5. Jeff addresses and puts stamps on envelopes.
6. PROFIT!

I mean, this is drink-a-bottle-of-rye-and-play-Russian-roulette painful. The Swine Empire has shrunk, even, over the last few years—I can no longer reliably imagine how in the world I managed to create over 1200 issues every three months, which I was doing—by hand, following the outline above—for years back when Tower Mag Hell was still up and running. I must have been drunk. Today, sober and withered by time (and booze) I can barely get out less than half that number without wanting to slit my wrists.

You see, it isn't the creation of the issue I hate—I love writing this thing, damn you—it's the manufacturing and distribution I hate. So I've been trying to think creatively and figure out a way to keep issues coming while reducing a) my labor and b) my financial investment. Ah, the dream of the self-publisher everywhere!

Well, shouldn't the glory of teh intarwebs pay off here? I mean, there are lots of POD options out there. I considered Lulu.com, actually. They have a pretty good service and I could easily adapt TIS to a 6x9 trim and print 60 pages saddle-stitched. I was excited about this because I figured I could keep making a few issues at home for the poor, deluded souls who bought lifetime subscriptions but outsource the rest to Lulu. Basically, I'd say to everyone that once your sub runs out, I will stop sending you an issue and you'll have to go to Lulu to buy each new one.

Aside from the near-certainty that this would result in absolutely zero orders from Lulu as TIS fans everywhere shrugged indifferently and forgot the zine even existed within moments, this also posed the slightly more significant problem in that each issue of TIS would suddenly have to cost $6, plus shipping. Considering that the cost is now anywhere from completely free because I haven't noticed that you haven't re-upped your sub in years to a maximum of $1.25 including shipping, this is a huge jump in cost, and I doubt anyone would be willing to pay it. Plus, I'd still have to make some Swines at home. So this = Fail.

Wait, did I just realize I sell these postage-included for $1.25? Holy shit, I am a moron. I think they cost like $35 to make. I need to be invaded by China and taught a lesson.

I also considered the Cult Solution, which is to recruit some of the more impressionable folks from the ranks of the TIS fan and convince them to live at my house folding and stapling copies of the zine in return for a seat on the rocket ship I am building in my crawlspace, which will burst from the confines of Camp Levon and take us all to Planet Swine someday, barely escaping the hellish fireball Earth will become in its last moments. Want to escape this terrible fate and live forever? Better hoof it over here to get fitted for your muumuu and start making zines, bubba. The main drawback of the Cult Solution is all the smelly cult people living in your house, and plus also too the very real possibility that no one will respond to the Call of the Swine and I will be humiliated, especially with my freshly shaved head and my newly fitted Master Muumuu.

Don't worry, fair reader – I will find a Way, and even if it bankrupts me, I will keep putting out this damn zine until my fingers are worn down to nubs and my stapling arm suffers crippling damage. But if I ever find a way to automate the process for something less than, say, $3 an issue, damn you all, I'm going to do it. And start training the Helper Monkeys to do something other than lick envelopes.