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WELL, it's that time again, isn't it? We've got two rich white guys bleating about issues, calling each other names, and generally acting like the world will end tomorrow if they don't get elected President. Now, I have nothing against rich white guys--this is no white-guilt column, and I definitely hope to be a rich white guy myself someday--and I have nothing against the office of the presidency, or the creaky election process that surrounds his choosing. On the contrary, I think the system of government the United States has developed over the years is the best system ever developed. I believe this because it's perfect: A system of government which gives people the illusion of easy access and control, when in actuality they have neither. This is good because, to be frank, I wouldn't want any of you yahoos running things. Don't take it personally--I wouldn't want me running things either, to be honest. I'm ignorant and ill-informed, lazy and kind of blurry on most of the details. This hardly qualifies me to make momentous decisions concerning the future direction of policy in this country, don't you agree? And let's face it, you're just as ignorant and ill-informed as I am, possibly even more so. None of us have any business trying to decide anything more complex than what's for dinner and where am I gonna get drunk on Friday night--and I, for one, fuck those decisions up on a regular basis. How often have I sat in a terrible bar, drinking watery, overpriced drinks, and thought, damn, it's lucky my vote doesn't count for anything in this election! Voting is once again a hot hip item in this country. Used to be, The Really Cool Kids who Smoked and Drank a Lot never bothered voting, they were too busy doing drugs and fucking each other and being snarky about it. These days, thanks to celebrity-laden initiatives like P Diddy's sadly unhip Vote or Die campaign, all the cool kids want to vote. All you hear is how important it is to vote. As if even more voters would actually solve some problems instead make even more problems. Because, take a look around: I dunno about you, but I look around and I see about 500 people who are definitely stupider than I am. And that, my friends, is pretty fucking stupid. Most people would do us all a service by staying home on November 2. I know I will, and this is probably the only service I will ever render my fellow humans. Please thank me in the form of liquor. The reasons I disdain my vote are many, and would probably bore you. Suffice to say I believe the genius of American-style democracy is precisely the way it renders my vote pointless. Voting therefore acts as a pressure valve on society. You have all these pissed-off people who hate one or the other candidate, and they get to get all worked up over a campaign, sputtering and arguing, and then they get to march out to the voting booth, solemnly add their meaningless two cents, and go home satisfied that at least they fought the good fight. This is just one step smarter than people who march out to protests, spend the day getting whipped around by fire hoses, beaten by cops, and arrested, and feel like they somehow made a difference--but only because there's (usually, these days) no violent beatings from cops involved in voting. I should be clear and state that I do not in any way advocate changing this system. I think it's the best system in the world. I don't want my vote to count, because that would mean your vote would count, and that would scare the bejesus out of me. Millions of people bought Britney Spears' last album, for god's sake. Do we want these people running the country? No way. I want these people dancing in clubs, endlessly, forever, safely cut off from society. At the end of this election season, we'll have a guy elected President. About half the country will think it was a good idea, and the other half will immediately begin plotting to get someone else elected in 2008. I guess it keeps everyone busy. In the mean time, Half life 2 is scheduled to come out on November 16, right around the third or fourth lawsuit concerning the elections is hitting the Supreme Court, and playing this game will likely take up most of my time. I may even have to quit my job. So while the rest of the country submits to protest, revolution, and fiery transformation, I'll be killing aliens and softly glowing in my cave-like office. And I doubt, when I finally emerge malnourished and twitchy, that I'll notice any difference, unless someone goes and burns down half of Hoboken, which might catch my eye. Then again, after spending several weeks playing a video game in the dark I might be blind, so when the newly formed USA Gestapo comes to imprison me for not voting for the right guy, I'll probably be unable to put up any resistance. Plenty of people have stopped reading this by now, of course, in order to write some nasty emails to me about what an idiot I am. Likely these emails will contain the old chestnuts about one vote making a difference, references to Florida 2000, and, of course, the great Queen Bee of all voting prop-ups, what would happen if everyone decided not to vote? The answer to that one is simple: Mysteriously, we'd still get a new President, and all your motherfuckers who decided to not vote just to teach me a lesson would stand around scratching your heads and wondering how that happened, since you're so all powerful and all. Ah now, there you go: I've gotten all riled up again and my usually peaceful existence has been marred by rage. You can't see me, but I'm sitting here making little Fists of Rage. What I'd like is for everyone to just vote or not vote without telling me all about it. Especially P Diddy. I could live without ever being told something by P Diddy again. He seems like a nice guy who is enjoying his money, and bully for him, but really--I'm taking civics lessons from a guy named P Diddy? I don't think so. Go! Vote your little hearts out, bless you all. I must start acclimating myself to the darkness. E-mail me your outrage here. Jeff |
October 23, 2004