|
Friends, you and I know there are a few things that all men, across the globe, can agree on without hesitation. The sun rises, for example. Ice is cold. Obvious stuff like that. I'm pretty sure you'll agree that one thing that can be included on that list is I am an idiot.
This is a Good Thing, bubba. If more people in the world–if most people in the world–would share my attitude, we'd be a lot better off. Unfortunately, there are almost 300 million Americans in the world, and most Americans think their opinions are worth something simply because they took the mental energy to form them, usually after watching a Discovery Channel documentary or a CNN special report. Now that we've got a fucking war going on, goddamn but it's getting fucking obnoxious out there. I would like to take a page out of the Christian playbook and suggest that every time you have the urge to express an opinion about something, you pause and ask yourself WTFGAS: Who the Fuck Gives a Shit? I think if more people paused to ask themselves WTFGAS on a more regular basis, all of our channels of communication would be less clogged with bullshit and idiocy, and I'd be less embarrassed for the rest of you. Here's a practical example: INSANE COWORKER #189: Hey, Jeff, how about this war, man? It's some crazy shit. I think Donald Rumsfeld sits on a throne of human skulls and cackles like a hyena, his mouth opening far too wide for a normal human being. ME: Well...uh....(Thinks: Who the fuck gives a shit what I think?) You know what, my knowledge of world history, military tactics, and the application of supreme executive power could fill one of those tiny novelty books they sell in chain bookstores. Ask me something about baseball. You can't escape it. Everyone thinks they have something to add to the discussion. Now, don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that I don't have opinions, or that you shouldn't have any. I'm just gently suggesting that your opinions, while heartfelt, are utterly useless unless applied in a constructive way. Simply announcing them to everyone who comes within earshot is not constructive. Even marching around in city streets, blocking traffic and attracting unwanted attention from police in riot gear is not, really, constructive. You might think it is, but then you're the moron who already thinks their opinion matters. Certainly two consenting adults can discuss the war, the elections, whether Pluto is a planet or an asteroid–anything they want. And if you're some sort of expert with vital insights to offer, by all means rent yourself out to the nearest all-news network and educate the waiting world. No one is suggesting that you shouldn't have an opinion–lord knows we here at TIS know full well the kind of puffed-up, outraged response this gets from Americans, who have been taught since birth that everything–the sun circling the Earth, justice and democracy embracing the world, their very heart beating, depends on them expressing their opinions. All we're saying is, don't assume anyone gives a shit what your opinion is. All I'm suggesting is use your head when considering whether anyone else needs to hear your sacred thoughts on a subject. Ask yourself WTFGAS and we will all be much happier. Of course, that's just my opinion. Thank you. If you want to tell me what you thought of this column, you know where to find me. Jeff |
March 25, 2003