October 2, 2002
Idiot Fuckwads on the Internet

Anyone who's been on the Internet for any length of time understands the motto of The Inner Swine perfectly: everyone's an asshole, especialy us. This because the levelling anonymity of Internet communication allows people to be the fuckwads they really are, without too much fear. I understand, because I also have the urge sometimes to respond to posts on alt.zines or elsewhere with an impassioned Hey, cocksucker, did you ever even learn to read? But I resist. You know why I resist this oh-so-satisfying urge? Because I have a brain.

What really frustrates me is that you can't even convince these IFs that they are, in fact, idiot fuckwads. They're inevitably convinced of their own rightness, their own justness. This is because they are idiots, and have the reading comprehension skills of monkeys.

I judge people's intelligence by their behavior online. In real life, people are polite for two reasons: they're either smart, civilized people, or they fear the reprecussions of their actions. So, I accept it as a simple fact of life that we are surrounded at all times by idiot fuckwads who are restrained from screwing with you solely by fear. Sitting behind their keyboards, these idiot fuckwads don't have anything to worry about, though, and they go to town. The really, really sad part is that most of the IFs don't even think of themselves as rude or stupid–they think they're bold and fearless, telling it like it is. Makes me so mad, I want to just yank their ears.

What really frustrates me is that you can't even convince these IFs that they are, in fact, idiot fuckwads. They're inevitably convinced of their own rightness, their own justness. This is because they are idiots, and have the reading comprehension skills of monkeys. A lot of the IFs out there regard themselves as smart, reasonable individuals–as I said, they think of their rude bullshit as ‘boldness'. When you argue with them, they either insult you or fixate on some minor mistake you may have made, like ten-year-olds. If they can't find anything to be right about, which is usually, they develop convenient amnesia and change the subject. It's fucking maddening.

I think I get more of this in my daily life because I run this web site, which just invites all sorts of IFs to send me messages whenever they can manage the energy to pound their keyboard, and because I post to the alt.zines newsgroup, a public forum which invites IFs to just lounge around, being assholes. It's given me the opportunity to reflect a great deal on the IFs and their ways, and to develop lots of strategies to aoid and deal with IFs when they do invade my otherwise placid life. The Idiot Fuckwads will not rule me! I will make them my intellectual bitches. Or at least hide from them, whichever is easier.

They are eeriely and absolutely convinced of their righteousness. It would be nice to believe that IFs were just plain old assholes who knew it and reveled it in. Certainly some of them are. But a lot of them really think they're right, and think they're being normal and that the rest of us are unreasonable fools. When dealing with people who enjoy this kind of serene certainty there is nothing you can say that will penetrate. The Idiot Fuckwads of this world will die as ignorant and rude as they are today–though people they know in the real world may never know it, since they'll be too afraid to act like that outisde of the cyber-world.

They, like all morons, view polite behavior as a sign of weakness. Smart people realize that you get more accomplished by being nice and respecting others than you do by attempted bullying and insult-comedy. Smart people may resort to bullying or intimidation if it turns out to be the only possibility left to them, but it's almost always a last resort. The sooner you resort to it, the dumber you are. Idiot Fuckwads on the Internet tend to resort to it immediately, coming out guns blazing like fat drunks in barfights who overswing and slip on their own dripping sweat.

The only defense is complete obliviousness. Nothing else works, you have to just killfile the bastards and get on with your life. This is difficult, though, because Idiot Fuckwads are not Trolls. They often have something to say that's worth hearing, and they usually have a legitimate reason to take part in whatever forum you're reading. If you don't feel like you can killfile the IFs, you must simply invoke your Ubermensch Willpower and refuse to respond to them, no matter how stupid they are. Since you will never convince them that they are stupid, you might as well just ignore them, comforted by the thought that you could probably incinerate them with your mind if only you could locate them and get close enough.

Some people grumble that there used to be a 'golden age' of the Internet, back before AOL and the other corporate behemoths turned their single red eye onto it and made it into a huge cybe strip mall for fucked-in-the-head teenagers to run around spending money in. I don't buy it. I think the Idiot Fuckwads have always been there, lurking, ruining it for someone. Just because I just noticed them doesn't mean that they weren't there before--as hard as that is for me to believe sometimes. So, as with most things, all I can do is complain about them, and waste your time, which is my petty little power trip. Ha ha! Go back, now, and bitch about me, and how I waste your time. «Glee.» Uh, you can send those bitchings to the usual place.

Jeff