September 8, 2002
Movementeers

AS MANY of you know, Your Humble Editor here is overly fond of simplistic generalizations: I like boiling complex issues down to about three bullet points. I'm actually quite good at this kind of fatuous bullshit, which is probably why

I'm no good for causes. I'm pasty and fleshy, I've got an unfortunate habit of giggling girlishly in tense situations. I like to sleep in, and I tend to be unfeeling towards the plight of my fellow humans, who I regard as unfortunate impediments to my enjoyment of life. I don't remember slogans very well, and I shy away from anything which resembles effort.

I get The Inner Swine out on a quarterly basis without fail. Being able to write things like "you can split the entire world's population into two basic camps" with a straight face is a handy talent, let me tell you, if your goal in life is to put out a sparsely-read, limpwristed little perzine. This, of course, has been my goal for many years now, carefully selected because it a) didn't seem to require any real effort, b) seemed to provide a dumping ground for my written works not good enough to sell anywhere (which is most of them), and c) it didn't involve anything dangerous. This is what I do: I put out a zine, and the zine's about whatever the fuck I'm thinking about at any given time. It's enough for me. I may not be changing the world, but that's okay, because I don't really think the world can be changed. The rest of you are welcome to try, just leave me out of it.

That's my philosophy: we're all here for different reasons. Some of us are here to protest human rights violations across the world, some of us are here to consume fast food and play video games until we die, unnoticed—and most of us are somewhere in the middle, doing other things. Most people recognize this, and live peacefully with it. Some people, however, get caught up in a cause and can't ever understand why the entire world's population doesn't scramble up behind them, screaming for justice. These people are Movmenteers, and I fear them.

Let me be clear: I do not classify anyone who fiercely supports a cause as a Movementeer. I don't even classify people who will forcefully encourage you to support their cause as Movementeers. Movementeers are fanatics, they are the people for whom there is only one cause, and no excuse for not supporting it. To the true Movementeer, nothing you're doing is worthwhile unless it is in support of their agenda. Most of the good people out there working for various causes are not Movementeers, they are passionate and usually smart people who might want your support, but who aren't going to classify you as an asshole if you don't offer it.

Based on that definition, there certainly aren't very many Movementeers out there, and most of them are probably teenaged Vegan anarchists smashing windows in Seattle until they're twenty-four or so and suddenly want to own their own car. But the specimens of this particular asshole are out there, and once they burrow their heads under your skin it's a long and painful process to get rid of them. Movementeers have a walleyed loyalty to their pet cause, to the point where they don't think any other cause is worth anyone's time, and openly disdain anyone who isn't down with their own agenda. The worst of them are those who put out zines about their pet cause, because they view any zine that ignores their cause as suspect, and you can bet your sweet ass they don't take kindly to self-indulgent ‘personal' zines like mine. A Movementeer obsessed with the state of the Bill of Rights in the U.S. will feel that anyone not actively protesting the decay of our rights is fiddling while Rome burns, and they will never let me think, for even a moment, that I would be allowed to live were they to somehow storm Washington with a bunch of Brownshirts and seize power.

More reasonable folks realize that I'm no good for causes. I'm pasty and fleshy, I've got an unfortunate habit of giggling girlishly in tense situations. I like to sleep in, and I tend to be unfeeling towards the plight of my fellow humans, who I regard as unfortunate impediments to my enjoyment of life. I don't remember slogans very well, and I shy away from anything which resembles effort. The reasonable people, who welcome anyone to their cause but who realize that some people have different causes, or even opposing causes (my cause is basically keeping my ass in this chair until my heart explodes some decades from now) don't bug me. Some of them even dig The Inner Swine–but only some.

Movementeers can go suck eggs. I know you're not one, because all the Movementeers did a text-search for their keyword of choice and, not having found it, stopped reading this page and sent me a nasty email instead, wondering why I've opted to waste my useless life instead of struggling alongside my comrades. The reason is, of course, that most of you bastards terrify me. I'll stay inside, thanks, and if you need to contact me, you can email me in the usual place.

Jeff