2. I did not shower for 3+ days. It's amazing how much cleaner you feel when you let the skank build up for a couple of days. It's like how good it feels when you stop hitting yourself in the head with a frying pan.

3. I started out each sentence with, "Well, according to what I saw on Maury?" I mean, can you really turn the channel when there's an 891-pound man sitting there? No, you cannot. And don't try to tell me otherwise, you're not fooling anyone.

4. I cleaned up after my SuperBowl party. Yes, I know that was in February; haven't you been paying attention here?

5. I watched a boatload of JAG reruns. I used to tutor on Tuesday nights, so I'd tape them all. Then I never had the heart to record over them, so I have a closet full of tapes, none with labels, and all too precious to discard. One of my ambitions was to label them all with the episode names and such, but I'd usually get so revved up watching those blue eyes that I'd shiver and sweat and? what was I saying?

6. I vowed not to speak to anyone in my office. This lasted for one day, when a peaceful, 10:30 am nap was rudely interrupted by my friend Margaret. It was just to dish about a ridiculous co-worker with BO that would stop time, so that was OK.

7. I quit my job seven times.

8. I continued to set my alarm for 5 am each morning. Just for the sheer pleasure of that split second when I realized I didn't have to go to work.

9. I cursed my company for making me move to Hoboken. While I hate this city with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, this probably stemmed from the fact that I had to pay for a whole month's worth of parking and train, even though I didn't use them for 2 weeks.

10. I went to visit Helen. And after 12 some-odd years of Helen's friendship, I still cannot manage to hook up with her brother. He must be gay. It was nice to see her and all, but I can't get past that.

11. I smiled.

12. I went to the Anderson St. train station each morning to wave off the 7:17 and yell "Suckers!"

13. I had a surreal experience at Hubcap Joe's in Oradell, NJ. Some miserable bastard stole a hubcap off of Klaus, my 2-year old Jetta. I stopped off at a wonderful little place known as Hubcap Joe's. The shop is about the size of my office, with just enough room for a desk and a toilet. The rest, as you can imagine, is loaded with hubcaps. Before I had the door all the way open or even spoken, Hubcap Joe informed me that he had exactly what I needed. Almost willed there, I followed HJ into the back (by the toilet), out the back door, and over to Klaus, where HJ slapped a new hubcap on in seconds. I paid HJ and drove off. No other words were spoken. I think I may have been physically violated and/or switched religions at some point, but who knows.

14. I performed Google searches on phrases that I feel I have coined, just to see which miserable bastards are plagiarizing me. I'm sorry; "vehicular narcolepsy" is mine. So is "mass transportational narcolepsy". And so is the idea of a Bottomless Restaurant. And I am suing.

15. I listened to the new Rick Springfield album until my ears bled. Go out and get this CD. You know you want to.

16. I cleaned up my bookshelves and found 10 years of The Inner Swine. I shuddered to think at the length of time I've been involved with this rag, but fondly remembered how many times it soothed me through difficult moments in the can. These issues don't exactly sit on a shelf easily, so I was quite interested when Jeff told me that I could get bound volumes. Then he mentioned the word "pay" and I was laughing so hard and picking up the intestines that had fallen out of me, that I didn't really hear the rest of what he was saying.

17. A musical epiphany occurred when I realized that 3 of my all-time favorite songs begin with the word "Don't".

18. I started this article. I have tons of half-articles hanging around, one on the sheer joy of 80s music, one on women's bathrooms, one on the freaks I work with all traveling together in a bus (hilarity!). I started an article years ago, which I planned to present to Jeff as a present when we threw him the party for Lifers, but you know, I got distracted by something. Plus, Jeff really never gives me enough time.

1. The only way to prevent your hubcaps from being stolen is to sit guard each night with a baseball bat.

2. The Internet is a great resource for finding pictures of your favorite Saturday morning Filmation stars of the 70s.

3. When you yell "Suckers!" as you wave at their train, people have a tendency to give you the finger.

4. That at least I'm not 891 pounds.

5. Never turn your back in hubcap shop with a toilet.

6. That all work and no play makes Karen a very scary girl. Not to mention stinky.

7. Alan Young played Wilbur on "Mr. Ed". Not Alan Hale, not Alex Haley, and not Alvin Ailey.

8. JAG is a shamelessly under-rated show that should have its own network where it runs 24 hours a day. But honestly, I knew that already.

9. That Rick's new album is totally kick-ass to the max.

10. That while they masterfully sanded off about 5 inches of skin from my feet, the manicurists at New Star Nails had a little too much fun at my expense. In Korean.